"It doesn't happen overnight but you turn around and a months gone by and you realize you haven't cried not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer, I'm busy getting stronger."
-Sarah Evans
IMO, That's the number one post treatment goal. To wake up one day and say to your self, "Hey, I didn't think about cancer yesterday, or last week or better yet... last month." That's it. It seems so simple.
I think in the best of situations that is possible. Most women diagnosed with BC are strong enough to return to some semblance of normalcy in due time. How long it takes exactly depends on many factors. Was the cancer invasive? Did you have chemo? How sick did you get? Can you take hormonal treatment? What kind of chemo did you receive? Where was your radiation? How many did you need?
I imagine taking tamoxifen/arimidex for some women is a comfort and for others a daily reminder. The same goes for the effects of chemo. Completing a chemo regime may be a sign of being cured for some, while others suffer frustrating side effects like early menopause and cognitive problems.
For me, it's the knowledge that Metaplastic BC has a propensity to recur early. It's the fact that MpBC is thought to be chemo resistant. My post treatment days are filled with thoughts of these possibilities. I've managed to keep busy and during working hours it's easier (but not always possible) to avoid thinking about cancer.
I was doing pretty well by my estimation, that is until I noticed my "bad side" was a little bigger than my other side. I ignored it for a few weeks mostly just thinking it seemed "odd" but also assuming there was a normal explanation for it's enlarged appearance. The problem is.... well, this IS the problem with NOT thinking about cancer. How am I expected to NOT think about it? Do other women have one breast that suddenly swells?
Then... I felt it. A new lump. Or was it? Over the next few weeks it was easy to be drug back into a "cancer funk." At some point, I had to call the doctor. I had checked and checked and the lump was still there, it wasn't my imagination. You see? It's not easy to stop thinking about cancer. There is always something to bring you back to the daily reality of it.
Calling the doctor, making the appointment, checking that the lump is still there everyday while waiting to see the doctor, it's all so maddening. I'm supposed to be done with this. I'm supposed to be better. And so, it is even more maddening when you see the doctor again, hoping really just to be sent home with a stern warning to relax, with a lecture on how everything is OK and to stop thinking about cancer... but instead the doctor feels the lump as well. And, another too.
And, you're back.... back to that place.
It's only been four months but you need a new mammogram.
The radiologist sees something as well.
A quick sonogram.... yes, that's something. No, they are not cysts.
A new biopsy on two new spots.
And, now.... the waiting and thinking... thinking about cancer, again. You see, it seems so simple....
Don't think I don't think about it
I was in the middle of this post when I ran across this link on twitter:
Cancer is a lifetime diagnosis
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