Sticks and Stones

 Warning: You've probably heard this before so if you read on, you're going to hear it again, from me.

While reading my twitter feed the other day I came across a tweet from Lisa Bonchek Adams. She said, "Thank you for reading, for sharing, for coming on this admittedly crappy road with me. (you will see I never say "journey" ever" 

It made me wonder why she didn't use the word "Journey." So I asked, why won't you use that word? She replied, "it is only my opinion, but it makes it sound fun, or more "light" than it is. A metaphor for a major life trauma." Then she added, "it gets SO over-used with cancer. So I don't use it. Like the war metaphors. I try to use other words."

That got me thinking about words I no longer understand or maybe I know longer even like. 

Of course "Survivor" is number one. I don't think I am alone in that. It just implies so many things I don't believe. First and foremost that I survived. When anyone calls me a survivor I always think to myself, "HA! that has yet to be determined!" or "Who says so?" 

I know why some women feel the need to give themselves this title. A little emotional boost to put an exclamation point on the end of their journey...uh, er....treatments. That's fine, if they feel the need to feel better inside - but me, I'm a veteran, I've done things in my life that were physically and mentally demanding. And, I did them by choice and stayed with it through sheer strength of personal will. 

Cancer has not been the same. No amount of personal will power can change the outcome. No amount of determination will kill cancer cells. I can't concentrate on each cell in my body and effect an outcome. If it get's me, it won't be because of some personal failing on my part. 

Which brings me to the word "Fight." I like the word "fight." I've fought battles with my weight, I fought with my siblings, I've fought for career advancement and I've fought for love.  But when applied to cancer it doesn't fit. It implies (again) a measure of control that I simply don't have with this disease. The idea that all of the women who have succumbed to cancer have somehow failed to "fight" hard enough is preposterous. And so "fight" makes this list easily.

And now for the words I no longer understand. Two are on my mind right now. Recurrence and Remission. BC (before cancer) I thought I knew what it meant when someone said they were in remission or that they had a recurrence. For one thing a recurrence implies (to me) that something has gone away and now has returned. But I don't think that is true. It is more likely that it NEVER went away, that the cancer was never completely killed off so it's not really recurred as much as it is reinvigorated. Maybe re-detected?

Cancer is first discovered when it becomes a detectible mass. The mass is removed but some bits are left behind. Those then start building up again until they become detectible. The cancer didn't go away. It was always there. So, I don't like that word because it doesn't tell the whole truth and people without cancer don't understand it's true meaning.

IMO, it's like the word "remission." Remission is a word that should only be used if you have a recurrence. (Or a re-detected?) Again, it implies something that is not true in every case. The problem is the medical community uses it to hedge their bets.

The dictionary says remission is, "a temporary or permanent decrease or subsidence of manifestations of a disease."

However, that makes it sound as if (in every case) the cancer is always there, it's just not active now.

Your average Joe, however, may use "remission" in lieu of the word "cured." If you are cured you're not in remission, waiting on the cancer to become active. If you're cured, you're cured. Cured is such a better word to use. It's definitive... and accurate for many patients. On the other hand remission is only accurate if you aren't cured. The problem with remission is you don't know you were in it until the re-detected (recurrence) proves it. Follow?

Maybe it is a "remission" for other kinds of cancer. Maybe blood cancers are always there and the best that can be done is to temporarily beat them back. But I don't think that is the case for breast cancer.

So that's my list. For now. Thinking about words differently is just another way cancer has changed me... but that's a list for another day.

Couldn't make up my mind on a song:
Sticks and Stones
Words