Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence.

The hum of the road under my tires, the buzz of traffic whizzing by outside my window. That's all I could hear today. For two hours I drove to a weekend getaway but I couldn't turn on the radio or the Ipod. I've reached that point when the music doesn't talk to me.

I'm too tired. It doesn't lift me. I can't think. The words don't hold special meaning. There is only silence in my head. How can I make it through the next hour, day, week? I'm halfway through the treatment and it has finally beaten me down enough that I no longer care.

How many more days must I feel like this? Is there a song that can make the fatigue and nausea go away? Oh, how I hate to wish away my days but I count them out anyway....  Four more treatments on Tuesdays means eight more "bad Thursday's and Friday's." Will I feel better on my off week? It doesn't feel like I can but I hope I will. Maybe the music will return next week when I have that break but I can't be sure. As long as my focus is so narrow and my level of concentration so low, I won't be able to hear the music.

It's the worst part of the chemo and I know it will disappear and I will be able to feel normal again and enjoy my life again but for now all I have is the sound of silence.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Every storm runs, runs out of rain

I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day

Sometimes I hear a song and it has a vague connection to my cancer experience. There will be a line or two that makes me think about some aspect of my daily life or of some broader concept related to cancer but this isn't one of those songs. This is a song that feels directly connected.

I try to stay positive. I tell people what they want to hear. I pretend I feel better than I do for my husband and parents. I try to keep up at work. It's just so damned hard some days. Getting through this once seemed like an insurmountable task when it was first presented but getting through it again.... well, "It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around."

The first time I heard this song I immediately knew it had to mean something to me. I need this kind of music in my life. It was a hard week for me. I couldn't do my chemo due to my blood counts dropping. I felt so tired. I had to go into the infusion center every day. I couldn't make it to work. I had to have a blood transfusion. "I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying."

So sometimes I need something to remind me that this will all be over at some point. Nothing last forever. Good things don't and neither do bad. "Every storm runs, runs out of rain, Just like every dark night turns into day."

I have to hang on. I have to keep moving forward. I have to push myself to remember that every day the end of this is one day closer. "Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'."

It's been one heck of a storm for me, my own Katrina and Sandy put together. But I feel a little better today. And, it will be better tomorrow. How do I know that? The music tells me so.

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free 

Every storm runs, runs out of rain