Just Breathe

"We'll I don't have the best news for you. The spot at twelve O'clock was a fibroadenoma but the one at five o'clock was more cancer."

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
so cradle your head in your hands
And, breathe......
Just breathe......
Oh, Breathe......
Just breathe....

I hear that song and think that is what I am going to do when the doctor tell me it's more cancer. But that's not what I do. I say "OK" and I ask a few questions while staring out the window. I hang up and walk back to my desk. I still hear that song, I envision myself doubled over with my head in my hands but I just sit down and try to focus on the screen in front of me.

A little bit later, I get up again and go back to the hallway where there are no co-workers nearby. I call my husband. No answer, so I text him two words, "more cancer." I go back to the desk and try to focus. I think about that song and how much I should really stop and do it. I should stop and focus for a minute and "just breathe." But I don't.

I miss the next call from the doctors nurse, was I not paying attention? I didn't hear the phone ring but as soon as I see the "missed call, Dr's office" on my screen I jump up and run back to the hallway.

I'm thinking about it but not THINKING about it. You know? Intellectually I understand what was said and I know there is more in front of me but emotionally.... I just can't go there. I worry about it superficially. I definitely understand but I don't want to 'cradle my head in my hands" because that would be really letting it in.

I go back to my desk. I'm not really accomplishing much more than distracting myself from thinking about it when the phone rings again. It's my husband. We speak in a short-hand. He knows what I am saying, I don't even have to leave my desk. He mainly is concerned about how I feel. I tell him I am fine. That's true but mostly because I'm not really breathing. I'm not soaking it into my lungs and feeling the air move in and out. I'm distracting myself just enough to be able to ignore my breath.

I know it will come. I'll go there... you know? THERE. The place I don't want to be. The place I would be if I doubled over and cried at my desk right now. But I'm not going to do that. That will happen later probably when I least expect it.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
and I know that you'll use them however you want to
-Anna Nalick

Breathe (2 A.M.)