Where can you run to escape from yourself?

One of the most frustrating aspects of my cancer experience is learning very clearly that I am not "a tough guy." My entire self image is wrapped up in this notion. The idea that I can get along on my own in any situation, that nothing flusters me and that I am self sufficient. Learning otherwise has been difficult.

When I was very young I was able to project this image through sports and by being the local tomboy, spending summers barefoot down at the creek or roaming the neighborhood on my bike. I played softball and "kick the can" and any thing other than barbie.

I liked this image, although it came with some teasing. Truth be told though, it was a little bit of a lie.  I had terrible nightmares as a child. The scary part of a TV show would send me running for the back of my mothers recliner. I'd peek out occasionally until the next commercial or the strains of Disney music replaced the offending images. To this day I have never seen past the appearance of the flying monkeys in the "Wizard of Oz."

Over the years I managed to hide or overcome most of those fears. I'll just flip the channel when I see a commercial for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" on late night TV. I'll take a step away from the edge of the roof if I'm on a tall building. I just say "I'm busy" if someone invites me to go caving. (Who doesn't?) No one ever questions me. After all I'm the girl who changed her own radiator, hiked the Grand Canyon and has a U.S. Army Expert rating for grenade throwing.

This cancer thing though, it has me back behind my mothers chair only this time the scary part never goes away.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
-Switchfoot

There is no escape from cancer. My mother can't kiss it away, my father can't rock me in his arms until it is gone. My husband can't love me enough to cure me. I can't hide behind the chair or refuse to say uncle. I can't grit my way through it like a hard tackle in a touch football game, jumping up with a laugh like it didn't hurt.

And, even though I can smile at work and reassure others that it will all be O.K., the truth is I'm scared and fooling everyone else isn't the problem this time. I'm the one that's not a tough guy.

Dare you to move