Call me maybe

Your stare was holdin',  
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'  
Hot night, wind was blowin'  
Where you think you're going, baby?
(Thump, Thump, Fist pump)

What's this have to do with breast cancer, you say? Well nothing. And, that's the point. 

Yesterday I was on my way to Washington Radiology to get my bone and CAT scans. I got in the car, plugged in my Ipod and went straight to the playlist I've been listening to lately. It's full of songs that make me think about cancer, my life and serious things like "what in the heck am I going to do?" I got a little ways down the road, feeling lonely, sad and more than a little worried about the scans when I thought to myself "something is wrong here." 

I wasn't feeling positive. I wasn't putting my best effort out there. I wasn't bringing a good attitude to the day. Why? I didn't know why I wasn't at least trying. I don't know if positive thinking can really affect your health. I kind of tend to doubt that it could cure my cancer or shrink the tumor. However, I didn't KNOW it wouldn't help. So, why wasn't I trying?

I hit "stop" on the Ipod, flipped up an down the list and found "happy music." And BOOM! Out jumped "Call Me Maybe," then, "Marry you," then "Suds in the Bucket." In no time I was singing in and dancing (mostly head bobbing and hand gestures) in the car. I didn't know if my scans were going to come out ok but I at least I wasn't going to waste the morning crying about it. 

A nice lady in my support group once told me:
       
I have to push really hard to get the "i'm sick, oh no cancer, poor me what if i die" out of my brain!! I just keep talking to God and the negative thoughts leave and i'm ok for a while, then they come back and I push some more... LOL I think that's why they call cancer patient's warriors... I get it now!! It's a battle of the mind as much as the body.

It's tough to keep those thoughts at bay and they were creeping up on me again by the time I made it to the CAT scan. I mean, even for me, it's not every day that you strip down, get an IV, repeat your medical history to a stranger and crawl into a tube. In the midst of all of that it's natural to think about your cancer and wonder about your life. The Ipod was out of the question this time so I fell back on something I rarely use, prayer. Have you ever heard the saying, "There are no atheists in a foxhole?" Well, there are no atheists in a cancer staging scan either. 

I'm ashamed to say I stumbled a few times. I pray but not formally, not the Our Father and Hail Mary. I usually just silently thank God for the day or ask for relief from suffering for a friend. But it's been awhile for me and the Hail Mary. I repeated the two prayers a few times to myself while the machine moved slowly over me whirling and clicking. And then, it was done.

Who cares if we're trashed 
Got a pocket full of cash 
we can bloooo, ooo, uuu, oooow!
Shots of patrooooo, uuu, ooo, uon!
And it's on, girl

 When the negativity returned in the afternoon I was ready for it. I thought, "I'm positive." Then quickly changed that in my mind to, "I'm positive, I'm negative." I said that to myself. "I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative." I was willing myself to believe. I didn't KNOW that it would work but I HOPED it would. "I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative." I was so scared. "I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative. I'm positive, I'm negative." It just HAD to work.

When the doctors' nurse called to tell me the scans were clear I wanted to dance and cheer and scream and let it all out. I had fought myself all day long - which sounds bad, but it wasn't. It was the first day in a week that I HAD TRIED to fight myself. I wasn't listening to the happy music, praying to God or positive about my cancer. I was just giving in. So, finding a way to keep the negativity in check was a pretty big victory. And, while I'm sure it didn't make any bone cancer magically disappear, it did make a few clouds over my head move on.

'Cause it's a beautiful night 
We're looking for something dumb to do  
Hey baby 
I think I wanna marry you

(Fist pump, fist pump)

Call Me Maybe
Marry You


P.S. Found this story on positive thinking after I wrote this post.