I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down…
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Sometimes
I hear a song and it has a vague connection to my cancer experience.
There will be a line or two that makes me think about some aspect of my
daily life or of some broader concept related to cancer but this isn't
one of those songs. This is a song that feels directly connected.
I
try to stay positive. I tell people what they want to hear. I pretend I
feel better than I do for my husband and parents. I try to keep up at
work. It's just so damned hard some days. Getting through this once
seemed like an insurmountable task when it was first presented but
getting through it again.... well, "It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around."
The
first time I heard this song I immediately knew it had to mean
something to me. I need this kind of music in my life. It was a hard
week for me. I couldn't do my chemo due to my blood counts dropping. I
felt so tired. I had to go into the infusion center every day. I
couldn't make it to work. I had to have a blood transfusion. "I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying."
So sometimes I need something to remind me that this will all be over
at some point. Nothing last forever. Good things don't and neither do
bad. "Every storm runs, runs out of rain, Just like every dark night turns into day."
I
have to hang on. I have to keep moving forward. I have to push myself
to remember that every day the end of this is one day closer. "Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'."
It's
been one heck of a storm for me, my own Katrina and Sandy put together.
But I feel a little better today. And, it will be better tomorrow. How
do I know that? The music tells me so.
It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
dear maria,
ReplyDeletelisten...listen to the music...
no one understands the profound degree of fatigue unless they have been where you are. we do what we have to do to cope - for some, it's sticking to rituals that say to us that at least something is "normal", for others, we put on a good face so people will think we are working the "stay positive" thing, and for many of us, writing through our fatigue, worry, and fear gives great relief, puts things in perspective.
your determination to pound out a post on your blog in face of dumb, stupid cancer/chemo side effects is such an inspiration. AND you have the wonderful gift of loving music, letting it soothe and speak to you, letting the lyrics in to give you consolation and validation - and maybe, like me, find yourself having a good cry when you recognize parts of your struggle in the words.
i am so sorry for all the crappy stuff that just drags you down, physically and emotionally. i wish i could do something to help you feel better, reach through the screen and give you a warm hug. just know i am thinking of you - and keep writing and holding on to the music.
love, XOXO
karen, TC
Karen, as always thanks for the support. I was thinking about feeling sick and I thought it is ironic that when I am really sick I never think about dying, I just think about how to feel better right then. But when I am healthy and feeling good, that's when I can work myself up and start to worry about dying. It's crazy but I have to feel good in order to have the energy to indulge my fears. So that is one positive about being sick.... it really focuses my energy on how I feel right then and how to feel better. Now I need to work on my attitude when I feel good.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support.
Maria
dear maria,
ReplyDeletei think what you speak to must be what had me crazed last week after i had my first PET/CT scan (after the one last year when all my treatment was finished, and i was NED). after my oncologist called to let me know the scans were clean, my initial feeling was of relief. but the next few days - i have NEVER thought about dying the way i did then, even had nightmares, and was such an emotional wreck i could hardly function. i tried to hide it from my husband, but it manifested in my being impatient and snarky with him. when i realized he was bewildered and confused, all the sudden i burst into tears, and kept saying over and over, "i don't know what's the matter with me - why can't i feel happy?". it took some more time to figure out that what i was feeling deep inside was that even though i dodged a bullet with clean scans this time - what about the next time? then i remembered reading this same scenario, over and over again, from other women with BC. your last sentence, "now i need to work on my attitude when i feel good." couldn't ring truer for me!
now i feel much better; i think the answer is trying to cultivate a mind-set of that old cliche, living in the moment, bannishing the beast of worry that cancer would just love to consume us with, and reminding myself that i deserve to be happy and feeling good. much easier said than done - been practicing that since 2009 when hugh was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. he goes through the same thing you and i do - and i try so hard to help him with it. i guess i should be honest with him and allow him to help me, too. thank you so much for your response to my comment, and for helping me by sharing how you feel when you are feeling sick, as well as when you feel healthy and good. cancer is such a huge CROCK!
it's really a good thing that when you are going through feeling sick, your mind hones in on how to feel better. and it's also really good that you can realize and express that you can translate that onto the happy, more carefree times. music helps, right? and i hope it also helps to know that you are not alone. i am thinking of you, sending big hope and powerful vibes for comfort and for triumphing over all the what-ifs.
love, XOXO
karen, TC