Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Sound of Silence

The Sound of Silence.

The hum of the road under my tires, the buzz of traffic whizzing by outside my window. That's all I could hear today. For two hours I drove to a weekend getaway but I couldn't turn on the radio or the Ipod. I've reached that point when the music doesn't talk to me.

I'm too tired. It doesn't lift me. I can't think. The words don't hold special meaning. There is only silence in my head. How can I make it through the next hour, day, week? I'm halfway through the treatment and it has finally beaten me down enough that I no longer care.

How many more days must I feel like this? Is there a song that can make the fatigue and nausea go away? Oh, how I hate to wish away my days but I count them out anyway....  Four more treatments on Tuesdays means eight more "bad Thursday's and Friday's." Will I feel better on my off week? It doesn't feel like I can but I hope I will. Maybe the music will return next week when I have that break but I can't be sure. As long as my focus is so narrow and my level of concentration so low, I won't be able to hear the music.

It's the worst part of the chemo and I know it will disappear and I will be able to feel normal again and enjoy my life again but for now all I have is the sound of silence.

6 comments:

  1. dear maria,

    i am so sorry you are feeling so crappy. it must be really, really overwhelming to realize that even your beloved music can't lift you up. but i am glad you were able to write about it; perhaps it helped just a little to get it out.

    please know that i think of you, that i will envision hope for you to be able find solace and even some modicum of joy - it CAN occur when you least expect it, that tiny ray of something that sparks lightness and wonder and comfort, something you can hold onto and savor. i will hold you and that hope close to my heart, maria.

    love, XOXO

    karen, TC

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  2. I wish you GREAT Thursdays and Fridays!

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  3. Karen, Thanks as always for the kind words of support.

    Heather, thanks as well. I hope your weekend is great as well.

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  4. dear maria,

    just a little note to tell you i am keeping you close to my heart, sending you you love and gentle hugs and hope for feeling much better soon.

    XOXO, karen

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  5. Karen,

    Thanks so much. I was hospitalized last week after my third cycle of GemCarbo. The good news is that the doctor has decided that I am done. The treatment was too hard on my body. (I needed four pints of blood last week)

    I am starting to feel better and will be back here on the blog soon. I just have to get some work done on my laptop first.

    Your support is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for keeping up with me. I hope you are well.

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  6. dear maria,

    how kind of you to respond to my comment. i am so sorry for all you went through and ended up hospitalized. but i am very happy you are starting to feel better. don't rush things too quickly and just take good care of yourself. i am sending you waves and wave of healing energy, along with lots of warm hugs. feel them?!

    love, XOXO,

    karen

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