The Sound of Silence.
The hum of the road under my tires, the buzz of traffic whizzing by outside my window. That's all I could hear today. For two hours I drove to a weekend getaway but I couldn't turn on the radio or the Ipod. I've reached that point when the music doesn't talk to me.
I'm too tired. It doesn't lift me. I can't think. The words don't hold special meaning. There is only silence in my head. How can I make it through the next hour, day, week? I'm halfway through the treatment and it has finally beaten me down enough that I no longer care.
How many more days must I feel like this? Is there a song that can make the fatigue and nausea go away? Oh, how I hate to wish away my days but I count them out anyway.... Four more treatments on Tuesdays means eight more "bad Thursday's and Friday's." Will I feel better on my off week? It doesn't feel like I can but I hope I will. Maybe the music will return next week when I have that break but I can't be sure. As long as my focus is so narrow and my level of concentration so low, I won't be able to hear the music.
It's the worst part of the chemo and I know it will disappear and I will be able to feel normal again and enjoy my life again but for now all I have is the sound of silence.
dear maria,
ReplyDeletei am so sorry you are feeling so crappy. it must be really, really overwhelming to realize that even your beloved music can't lift you up. but i am glad you were able to write about it; perhaps it helped just a little to get it out.
please know that i think of you, that i will envision hope for you to be able find solace and even some modicum of joy - it CAN occur when you least expect it, that tiny ray of something that sparks lightness and wonder and comfort, something you can hold onto and savor. i will hold you and that hope close to my heart, maria.
love, XOXO
karen, TC
I wish you GREAT Thursdays and Fridays!
ReplyDeleteKaren, Thanks as always for the kind words of support.
ReplyDeleteHeather, thanks as well. I hope your weekend is great as well.
dear maria,
ReplyDeletejust a little note to tell you i am keeping you close to my heart, sending you you love and gentle hugs and hope for feeling much better soon.
XOXO, karen
Karen,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I was hospitalized last week after my third cycle of GemCarbo. The good news is that the doctor has decided that I am done. The treatment was too hard on my body. (I needed four pints of blood last week)
I am starting to feel better and will be back here on the blog soon. I just have to get some work done on my laptop first.
Your support is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for keeping up with me. I hope you are well.
dear maria,
ReplyDeletehow kind of you to respond to my comment. i am so sorry for all you went through and ended up hospitalized. but i am very happy you are starting to feel better. don't rush things too quickly and just take good care of yourself. i am sending you waves and wave of healing energy, along with lots of warm hugs. feel them?!
love, XOXO,
karen