Monday, September 21, 2015

Things are getting tough all around

At this point, some of this blogging is just self-indulgence. Maybe I'll say it's a bit a therapy to get it out there as well.... but mostly, I'm just recording what is going on.

And, what is going on is that its getting tough up in here.

It's my back... yeah, my back. Like having giant lung tumors wouldn't be enough, I have this terrible back problem. The cancer moved into my spine a few weeks ago (Quite quickly I might add). It fractured some bones in my back. I needed radiation, which I got in short order. Now, I need to know that the radiation worked and that the bones are starting to settle back into place.

In the mean time, I am supposed to be wearing a brace. At first I embraced the brace, I still do but it's is difficult because the brace itself confines my back, forces me into a postilion that becomes uncomfortable over time and in the end causes me a great deal of pain and muscle ache.

It's this problem that has come to define my days. I cannot drive, I cannot move easily, I cannot pick things up, bend over or lay down easily. I cannot easily work on my computer because I am not supposed to bend that angle. I have to be careful about coughing due to the jarring of my back. I can't eat foods that cause phlem.... ice cream, mild etc..... so a nice comforting chocolate shake is out of the question for me.

I'm simply stuck.... stuck watching TV, vegetating and allowing my my to wander to difficult/dark  places. I'm making it hard on myself and I am making it hard n my husband. I am making it hard all over.

What will help? Fixing my back will help.... but I am not there yet.... right now, I am here... sitting in front a a TV, unable to do much work, but fully capable of going down the Rabbit hole.....

"One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small....." The one I am looking for is the "one that fixes it all."

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Maria - I missed these last two posts and am so very sorry for all you are are going through. I wish so much there was something I could do or say to ease your way through these shitty times. I am sending you every ounce of my best thoughts and wishes for the radiation to have done it's job so you can be released from the torment of that awful brace and get out of being in "stuck". Ouff - the Rabbit Hole; so tempting isn't it?

    I am holding you close to my heart, sending feather-light hugs, wishing for a speedy and positive outcome for much healing and comfort.

    Much Love and Light to you, Maria