Call me Superman

I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

First dose of chemo down. Once it starts again you just want to "leave your body laying somewhere" and let your mind disconnect for a bit. But it doesn't work that way. Eventually your mind and body are together in the same place and feel the same thing.

You go to the infusion center, a little nervous, even if you know what is about to happen. As long as it all goes smoothly you leave a little relieved, one down, you say. The pre-meds always make it deceiving though. The next day will probably still be OK and you'll begin to feel fooled into a sense of calm. "Maybe, it will actually be easier," you'll say to yourself. "I can handle this, it's not bad at all."

But eventually you will hit the wall and you'll begin to feel it. This time it was just an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. Not fatigue. I learned the first time exactly what fatigue is and how it is different than exhaustion. Either way, you'll be dragging and so, so tired.

This time I didn't fight it at all. At the end of the work day I went directly home and straight to bed. I didn't even bother sitting up on the couch for a few minutes to pretend it was a normal day. No sense in missing out on any of the rest my body needed. No cleaning up, no watching TV, no dinner.... just sleep. It was a good thing too, as by the morning I felt a little better. I managed to get dressed and back out on the road to work without trouble. I hoped that maybe one day would be the worst of it for this dose but that would be too simple now, wouldn't it? The exhaustion hit again by lunch and it was all I could do to hold my eyes open until the end of the work day. Again, I hit the sack as soon as I was home and again my body complied and slept.

By morning I was almost back to normal. Thank goodness I thought until I threw up outside on the way to my car. A little nausea hung on throughout the day but nothing too serious.

And, so I hope that is the end of the line for the first dose. I expect to feel better until the next one Tuesday and then I will repeat the pattern only with another day of sickness or exhaustion tacked on to each dose until there are no more good and bad days.... just bad days that end when the final bits of chemo are finally expelled.

Chemo is the ultimate irony. It's literally the cure that makes you sick. You feel so good, why would you want to poison yourself with this kryptonite and yet it is your one hope. Or, at least one little bit of insurance. And, so even if you know it will make you sick, sicker than you've ever been before, you go.... you take your medicine and brace yourself for what is to come hoping each time (even when you know better) that THIS time it won't be so bad. Hoping that THIS time it won't last as long. Hoping that THIS time will be the last time you have to make yourself feel sick in order to be better.

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite

Kryptonite